What I See When I Look For You (Redux)

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A second pass at this poem. I have until Tuesday to get it right. Please, let me know what you think in the comments. It would be incredibly helpful and I’d be enormously grateful.

What I See When I Look For You

Too many other people,
not enough you
in this museum,
lollygagging at my pregnant grief,
slowing down,
like white van man at first flush of spring flesh,
speeding off,
tongues flapping in the wind.
But each cosy lament, each tortured eulogy,
is a perverse Oulipo experiment run by charlatans,
blocking out the gaps between where you are and where you are and where you are,
wherein lies the truth, dark and glutinous.

That is:

your trainers,
dangling in the tree above the pond,
still,
spinning,
like indecisive radar.

Captain America,
face down in the cat litter,
covered in:
pollen
hair
hair
fibres
soil
burnt meteorite particles (citation needed)
human skin cells

A family standing sentry over an ersatz fireplace.
You collected its constituent parts,
you called it us.
Fairy Batman with lobster.
Boba Fett wearing Robin Hoodโ€™s hat.
C3PO with Yodaโ€™s head.
No,
Yoda with C3POโ€™s body.

Details are important, such as when you asked is the cat dying of cancer and I said no it’s just getting warmer and then the cat died of cancer.

Reverential statues of Canadian timber porters in the reeds of gentrified marshes and all you get are organic polymers of high molecular mass that will not die, strewn across unmown grass.

Asleep, the rusted scrape of an imaginary car mangle with a cartoon imprint of a three-year-old boy in the passenger door.
Awake, the disgusting last days of the Roman Empire, if the disgusting last days of the Roman Empire is every other three-year-old in the world breathing.

What The Ladybird Heard on the landing,
was the crushing silence,
of too many other people,
and not enough you.

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23 responses to “What I See When I Look For You (Redux)”

  1. Mandie Hines

    This one is much better than the first, Ben. Even though this has many of the same lines, the first version felt disconnected to me. Like you had all these ideas but they weren’t working together. Kind of like taking five poems and trying to make it into one. I think the new beginning made it clearer, and the changes you’ve made have made it more cohesive.
    You have two lines with the single word hair back to back that used to be human hair and cat hair. I’m not sure if it was intentional to leave both hairs there, but you could probably drop one.
    “You collected its constituent parts,” works much better for me than the original version of “You made a family, fished out our constituent parts.”
    There’s a hiccup for me between the cat dying of cancer and the reverential statutes. I like the “Reverential statues” stanza, it just doesn’t quite connect to the rest of the poem yet, for me at least.
    Fantastic ending.

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    1. Thank you so much Mandie. That feedback is invaluable. I agree about the statues stanza, more work needed there. Today was about trying to knit together the fairly disparate ideas I had yesterday. The hair line is an error. Thanks again, I’ll keep working on it but it’s a relief to know it’s not terrible ๐Ÿ™‚

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  2. I agree this version is much better. There are some really good lines that drag you in. Keep working on it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ Will do

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  3. daveyone1

    Reblogged this on World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum..

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  4. The start & last verses are very poignant, Ben. The cat cancer & Canadian verse threw me a bit but I’m guessing that was your intention.

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    1. Thank you Sara. I have pondered just keeping the start and the end, but the middle stanzas are intended to show the narrator’s anger, frustration and confusion. He’s not thinking logically. I will keep working on it through. Thanks again ๐Ÿ™‚

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  5. Poetry is hard! Give me prose to write any day. I guess that what Masters courses are for – pushing you out of your comfort zone. ๐Ÿ˜„

    The first two lines are really great – they really hit me.

    I really love the short-snappy stanzas. That little aside – “(citation needed)” – is fab. And the single-word emptiness of the lines about the trainers and Captain America made me feel the emptiness of his/her grief… they slowed down my reading giving me space to feel the vastness of grief. I also love the word “ersatz”, I think it’s such an evocative word. It made me stop and really contemplate that line.

    If I’ve understood the poem correctly, it’s about the loss of his/her 3 year old child? In which case, would it be worth staying in the world of children with your imagery? So reframe sections like the bit about a white van man? So we know as we begin, what kind of world we are in. I also get the sense that the speaker is a scientist? To me it felt like the science and the childhood imagery was maybe trying to do too much in one poem? Or you could make the juxtaposition more of a thing – more at the core of the wrestling the character is doing – so it runs through all the stanzas?

    I don’t necessarily know what I’m talking about!!

    Can I admit I had to Google Oulipo. You learn something new every day. ๐Ÿ˜Š

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    1. Amazing. Thank you Charissa. So much for me to think about ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t know if I should write what the poem is about, because once some writing is out there, it’s the readers’ to own in many ways, to bring their own meaning to the text. But for me anyway, if you think of me as a reader, the poem is about the loss of the 3yo, although the child has gone missing, so his grief isn’t fully realised yet, hence ‘pregnant’ and the fact that the kid’s toys are still out. He hasn’t changed anything in the forlorn hope the kid will show up, so the house is a ‘museum’.

      Anyway, I really appreciate your feedback and accept I may be trying to do too much in the second half. I’ll keep working on it.

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      1. It’s really interesting now, knowing how you read the poem. The opening makes much more sense to me now. I read it very metaphorically having no context for it the first time round (the museum was in his mind) – although I may have read it differently anyway if I re-read it with simply my reading of it in mind. Solid people arrived in the scene on the second read-through, insensitively talking at him.

        I thought the writer was probably male, but the use of ‘pregnant’ made me wonder if it was a female – musing on the parallels between her pregnancy that made her lost son, and the in-between of loss and grief really hitting in full force.

        Keep at it! I feel there are some real powerful nuggets in there, with a bit of tweaking it will make for a really affecting piece.

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      2. Thanks again Charissa, you’ve made my morning far more bearable ๐Ÿ™‚

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  6. PS You are super brave posting a poem you’re not yet 100% finished with. I struggle to share creative writing stuff. It feels so exposing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know what you mean, but I’m desperate for my poetry not to drag down my mark too much, so I thought I’d open up to as much feedback as possible.

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      1. Were you given a brief, or could you write whatever you liked poetry-wise?

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      2. We have to hand in a sonnet, a villanelle and one of our own choosing. I could have done a sestina or different ‘formal’ poem, but I think they want us to experiment a bit more. As for subject matter, it could be whatever we wanted. My villanelle is here – https://justpunchtheclock.com/2017/03/12/dad-dont-say-you-love-me-when-were-near-school/

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  7. Eccentric Muse

    I like it! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! I’ve changed it a bit since, will put it up soon. Handing it in tomorrow

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  8. thats so weird dude ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

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    1. Thanks!

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      1. your welcome dude

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      2. hello love your blogs ๐Ÿ™‚

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  9. you are very nice if you want to check out our website look up ivy and lavinda ๐Ÿ™‚

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  10. interesting ๐Ÿ™‚

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